The Uncut Truth

My entire life I have wanted to be somebody different than who I was created to be.  I grew up with a BAD habit of speaking to myself with disgust and anger, and called attention to myself of EVERY thing that I wanted to change, using hurtful words over and over and over again.  I remember all the way back to 4th grade where I got to the point where I refused to look at myself in the mirror after I stepped out of the shower and every time I changed my clothes because I hated everything that I saw.  In my mind EVERYONE was prettier than me, more athletic than me, smarter than me, and was liked more than me.  My perception of myself was the way that I believed that others saw me; large, in the way, annoying, clumsy, and disappointing.

My typical teenage-girl awkward phase was hammered in even further, in part from a very negative, self-sabotaging high school experience in which I sought acceptance but never felt like I had it from anyone.  Other than my family (who have always had an endless amount of love for me) and a couple of close friends from that time (because names are deserving here - Laura, Anna, Abby, and Raquel), I was never able to trust that anyone could possibly like me for me. They were all liars in my mind. I convinced myself that everyone was talking about me and paranoia/hyper-sensitivity set in like a disease that was festering.  It took everything from me, including so many relationships because of how self-conscious I was and how negatively I saw myself. I pushed so many people away.

Writing these words down now makes me realize how literally sick and twisted my mind worked. How could anybody think so poorly of their self?

On and off throughout high school I attended a youth group from another church, a Baptist youth group (I identify as a Mennonite Christian and yes I have electricity.) That youth group is the only place I found life within myself and I didn't realize how significant it was for me until this moment. I often reference it as one of the only highlights that I can remember from my growing up years.  People came together to Praise Jesus with their arms unapologetically lifted high in the air as we sang together, and hugs all around. I dearly love the Mennonite Church, but this group was exactly what I needed at that time.  I saw Jesus in those people.

After a more positive senior year (in which I 100% attribute to regular youth group attendance), and a very welcomed end to high school, I moved to a new state and spent all of my time alone or with my family.

We moved to Virginia where I found beauty in the mountains, the trees were more green, and the air was just more fresh. I could breathe, and I could see clearly.  My heart and spirit began to heal.  With that healing, natural changes of treating myself better came along with them. I began on a journey to loving myself completely from the inside-out.

I am writing this portion of my life down because I have never put it to words before for anyone, including myself.  Whenever people talk about high school memories I always breeze by mine with "I don't remember anything," or "I had a really negative high school experience." And I had a tendency of blaming it on something out of my control ([birth]daddy-issues, bullies, drama,) but the truth is it was entirely my fault. The truth is the only things that I do remember about high school is how much I couldn't stand myself and how surprised I was that the Baptist kids actually liked me.

Writing this now brought out the ugly cry because I so mourn this girl that I am writing about. She was a smart kid, who got better than average grades, had empathy for others, and talent in music.  She had loving and supportive parents and a huge family team behind her cheering her on, teachers liked her, her brother's ADORED her, but she still didn't see it. She lost friends and wasted so much time lost in side her head that she never realized that she was beautiful and special and didn't need to change a thing except her mind. If only I could tell her this now.

I mourn for this girl. So deeply.

This moment feels like a crossroads in my life and I believe that it has made itself clear to me coming out of this past week being surrounded by vulnerability and where people were celebrating their brokenness and healing. I was broken but never totaled. I thank GOD so much for the healing that has come into my life through my youth group, my experience at Eastern Mennonite University, the group of friends that I found in college, and even now the friendships that are maintained and the memory of those previously mentioned relationships with Laura, Anna, Abby, and Raquel, my family who has seen every side of that girl and me and always made me feel like I belonged. And most of all my relationship with my husband who I KNOW loves me more than anything in the world except for Jesus.

Tears of sorrow, healing, and of new life have been shed.

I own my story and love that girl, but she is not me.

I am.

Whole.